If I stop, I'm going to fall flat on my ass, but I can't ever seem to get to the actual bottom.
So all of that pushing away I did? Yeah, it worked.
Sometimes I think I just want someone to fight for me to be in their life.
I don't want to deliberately cause strife, but it's hard to be around people who seem to be ambivalent to you when all you do is care about them.
No one is fighting for me.
Everyone seems eager and satisfied to pass me by.
Even the people who said, "Fine, if you need a break, I'll leave you alone for a few days, but I'm going to call you."
...That was 5 months ago. And then those people forgot my birthday, which would be forgivable if it weren't for bloody facebook. And the daily activity I watched from the people who said they'd call but never ever did.
I know these types of tests are unfair, but I think it's also unfair that I have to conduct them at all. I try to make my friends feel that I value them and I get nothing in return.
My sister's boyfriend is half-living here, half-out of province and when he's in the room it's like I'm invisible to her, even if we were mid-conversation. And I think that's worse than being ignored completely in the first place.
Someone once explained it as "expendability" and that's exactly what it is.
But what does it mean then, when I readily admit that every person I meet, I actively prepare for the day they're no longer in my life because they are inevitably going to leave and the only thing that makes it easier is expecting it?
