repetition

I can't stop thinking about how much I want to not be here anymore.

And I keep trying to think of the fastest, tidiest, least-inconvenient way to kill myself.

Nothing is ever going to change.

Depression

You know, it's like drowning.
And someone just keeps asking, "Have you tried *not* drowning?" and sits contently on the boat, being annoyed that the splashes of me trying to save my own life keep hitting your dry towel.

When someone asks you to give a single, good reason they shouldn't kill themselves, your answer probably shouldn't be, "Well, you're a really good cook."

I'm RIGHT HERE

There are so many times where I've felt very out of place.
It's been constant sometimes and surprising others.
And once in a while I decide that I don't care. That the deliberate exclusion of me from whatever group doesn't hurt my feelings.
Except that it does.

and then the flood

I said it couldn't happen. And then the kitchen flooded.

But this is a perspective I'm trying out: I'm choosing to think of it as 2012 saying, "Hey there, R...; I know you had a FUCKING TERRIBLE 2011, so here's a house full of new flooring for you. You hated the colour of the old stuff anyway and were going to change it in a couple of years, so why don't I just give you a teeny tiny flood and we'll let insurance pay for it? After all, that's why you *have* insurance, right? So there you go. You're welcome."

I feel like I should make a list of my goals this year, just to have them down somewhere.

- I will try to be less judgemental, less hateful, more tolerant. Yes, these are essentially the same thing three times, but I think that with goals like this, it helps to be thorough and it never hurts to be repetitive.
- I will try to focus on the silver lining. Looking at the flood as a good thing instead of bad, I have made a conscious effort to enjoy what I can, because not enjoying anything is exhausting.
- I will keep my faith. That love is maybe a real thing. And that it's possible that maybe one day it will happen to me. And that I don't *need* it. And that some people are just really shitty people who weren't worth my time (obviously) anyway. I've never felt the *need* for love, I just accidentally stumble into it after really long periods of not, and I'm always so scared....
- I will try to hate my body less.
- I will try to install the baseboard myself. And it will look glorious.
- I will try to take at least one plane ride to at least one place I've never been before.
- I will try to recycle more often.
- I will try to keep my savings account at the level it's at right now for at least nine months.
- I will try to learn to forgive. Because maybe I'll never understand why, really, but it would be nice to not have a box of categorised injuries done to me to which I can refer if I'm feeling righteously indignant.
- I will try to write again. Because I FUCKING MISS IT, and having the power of lyrics is like having the sun shining from the palm of your hand and it's warm and close and personal.
- I will try to follow my instincts. Because they're usually pretty spot on and I talk myself out of following them sometimes and that's not fair to me. I need to be more fair to me.

Also, I will try to finish learning French, because language is beautiful and never useless and your brain grows when you know more shit.

turning over leaves and shit

It's going to be a better year because it must be.
It statistically can't be worse than the last.

I'm afraid of this cautious optimism, but I suppose I could call it desperate resignation.

We'll see.