patterns

I have a habit of pushing people away just to see if I can.

I will justify and make excuses for my behaviour and wait to see who sticks around to call me on it and who shrugs and walks away.

I've always had this talent of alienation.

And I give up on people so quickly and easily.

I keep thinking, "Whatever, I made you leave because then I'm in control. It's not like you were going to stay anyway."

So far this year, I've gotten rid of: 2 family members; both of my parents; 2 friends; a third friend is on the way. We have a lunch on Wednesday and that will be the middle of the beginning of the end.

If someone were to call me on it, what would I do?

Probably lash out and push harder, actually.

Any kind of vulnerability is unacceptable.

Never tell anyone anything.

Never confess to anything.

Never say anything to anyone that cannot be said to everyone.

Embarassed? Run away.

Angry? Say it out loud.

Hurt? Say it out loud and run away.

People get one shot with me. ONE.

If someone breaks my trust, it's never ever coming back.

I forgive, but I never forget. Honestly, I'm not sure what I do is forgiveness.

It's probably more beneficence, which ultimately keeps me in control.

I gift them with my forgiveness, but it's conditional. I don't think that's the way it's supposed to be.

I am a giver of gifts of strings.

After years of trusting people who let me down over and over and over again, I stopped trusting anyone.

I created a facade of independence, of righteousness, of strength.

But I'm in a forced solitude, I'm a hypocrite, I'm weak.

I believe no one will ever find me worthy of anything so I act like no one's worthy of me.

Still, I strive for my own version of perfection.

I eat less.

I eat less and less and less and hide it behind a "diet" that actually seems to be working.

I'm falling back into the pattern of only being able to control myself, so I do it to an extreme.

It's like returning to a house you moved out of 14 years ago, when you said you'd never set foot in there again. And then you're reminded of the comfort and the smells and then the memories overwhelm you and you're back in that spot of 15 years ago when everything was fine but not really.

Before you left it.

Before you changed.

And now I'm the same again.

And I was nothing then.

I was wasted on this. I was a waste.

to whom should i be true

I made the mistake of telling too many people about this.

I should have kept it closer.

Right now, I'm torn between writing what I feel and fearing that it will be seen.

Part of me doesn't care who I piss off with what I put here. But another part wants to write something soft and lovely so no one is offended.

Aaah, I think I just made a decision.

over

My life would be a whole lot easier if I felt like it was going to be fucking worth it at some point.

As it stands, I can't see it. And I'm so desperate to be done here.

10:57 p.m. MST

I used to be able to pound all my little thoughts out on paper. As poetry, lyrics, kindling.

Now, I concern myself with the analysis of my little thoughts until they aren't thoughts anymore, as much as they are incidental and meaningless.

I used to have friends I could count on and now I have a group of people who I used to know and respect. Am I the one who changed or are they? Did we all?

How much of what I miss is the actual person and what they once meant to me and how much is it the feelings I had at that time? Do I miss the guy I said I loved, or do I miss the idea of what we had, which at the end was nothing?

These things roll over me like waves of grief and worthlessness and are compounded by my self-disdain, and now I'm worried for my mental health again and how often I've been thinking of suicide, in a different context than ever before.

It was once considered a great and difficult gift that I would be giving to those I love: an existence free of the burden of me.

Now all I see is the pointlessness of it all: I'll never be thin enough, have enough money, be confident, be successful, talented, etc., so why bother?

And I cry.
A lot.
All day, on and off.
At work.
In the shower.
Right now, in bed, when I should be sleeping.
I cry.

And I don't want to anymore.
I don't want to go through this again.

How much longer, how much more of my life do I have to dedicate to this heaviness, this sadness?

Because if everyone has their cross to bear, and everyone has their lot in life, and sometimes life's just not fair, I'm not interested.

If this is what I was put here to experience, by a fictional divinity or by an evolutionary shot in the dark, I'm too tired to see it through.

It takes so much to feel this way all the time: to feel completely worthless, and friendless, and useless, and talentless, and lifeless at all points in the day and have to fake the happy or at least the ambivalent because emotions are professionally inconvenient.

It's exhausting and I'm so tired.

I just want to sleep and never ever wake up.

Happy Birthday

My Blackberry told me yesterday that it was your birthday and I managed to avoid recognition of it until late last night.

Happy birthday. I hope your girlfriend got you something nice.

An Emotional Duvet Cover

I'm picking up tiny pieces of comfort lately.

Not comfort from what you'd think, but things in general.

I have a handle and then I'm dangling again and there are sharp parts of life that poke my feet and my neck and my heart.

I'm finding comfort in music which I haven't been able to do properly in years.

I'm finding comfort in the air which, when it enters my lungs, revitalizes instead of overwhelms me.

I'm finding comfort in mysterious sculptures that I have a hard time defining. I see that they are beautiful and I see form, but I cannot see it how the sculptor saw it, or how he commanded the stone into what it is now.

I get so worried sometimes that everything will crash and I'll be dark and sour again. I keep hoping that the peace that is here at this second only will remain for a bit longer.

And I have to remember to breathe deeply for relief. I forget and then I breathe shallowly and nothing feels as good as a breath that goes all the way in and all the way out.

I Am Single Because

I had a date on Friday. With my friend's brother. And what I was thinking, I cannot tell you because I have absolutely no idea.

I knew that I was smarter than he is which isn't necessarily a dealbreaker, but when what he is saying is laughably inaccurate, one must question his conversational value. Regardless, I decided to give it a shot. And then proceeded to wish someone would shoot me.

He argued against my reproductive rights. No, seriously.

He told me that "it's a fact that 100% of terrorists are Muslim."

He posited that the Gulf of Mexico is completely and 100% free of any trace of oil and has been since a couple of months after the spill.

He maintains that we could fix global warming by MELTING THE ICE CAPS.

Everything he had to talk about was a conspiracy: they they they.

He asked ridiculous rhetorical questions and actually waited for me to answer them. Par example: "What if the Queen wanted to claim back Canada? She owns it and everything in it. Would you fight?" and "Well, who owns the energy?"

He implied I was complicit in the problems in this country because I make purchases.

He denied that GST is a voluntary tax. It is, but he disagrees....

He tried to get me to work for him pro bono because I'm really, really good at my job and our fields are related.

He also tried to show me nifty ways to skirt the tax system. Y'know, by committing fraud. This coming from a guy who, I have been informed, has gone bankrupt twice.

Apart from the above, I also paid for my own dinner and the entire bill at the pub (because he was short for his half) where we went afterwards to watch some friends of mine play a gig. I may be a feminist, but my position on first dates is traditional: You ask, you plan, you pay. Otherwise, it's NOT a date. That evening out cost me $80.00 that I kind of needed.

He's also a TERRIBLE driver. And a divorcé. And he showed up 20 minutes late. I was almost going to order take out and leave. Lord knows it would have been cheaper; more fun, too.

Apparently when he asked his brother if he could have my number, my friend said, "Listen, (wife) and I really like R.... Don't screw this up." I am confident that I get to keep (Friend) and (Wife). They like me more.

I am asked often if I have a boyfriend. When I reply no, I get, "Why?" and "Don't worry, you'll find someone soon!"

Thank you, but I don't need anyone. Especially anyone who's anything short of fucking awesome. As much as I'd like to believe that there's someone out there for me, I'm too practical to think that's actually true. So I'm not holding my breath.

Here's a list of reasons why I'm single:

- I actually really enjoy being alone

- I have 3 cats

- I am independent to a fault

- I have a low tolerance for stupidity

- I hate my body

- I don't trust anyone

- My heart is still broken

- I feel like if I believe that I've always wanted to be alone, it will be less painful when I actually wind up that way

- I'd rather be by myself than with someone about whom I am ambivalent

- I am terrified that I will meet someone and that it will hurt more than it already does because everyone leaves; it just depends how long it takes me to push them away

- I hate the pressure of new relationships; they aren't exciting, they're scary

- I can't lie

I'm Going to Miss You

Whenever I see you, you're as magical as always.

Goofy and irreverent and not at all serious.
I saw you cry when your wife died and that to me enhanced your strength.

And now you're sick.

And now you're dying.

And it's going to be slow.

And my heart is breaking for it.

This thing that's stealing you from me can't even remember my name.

It's going to sit inside of you, frustrating you, hurting you until you give up.

I know your strength won't allow you to quit.

I hope that you do it anyway.

I'm selfish in that the last thing I want to remember of you is you hugging me and kissing me over the holidays, and telling me you love me too.

And you remembering my name.

I hope that my sister comes home in time to see you, instead of just in time for the funeral.

They're going to ask me to sing, my family.

They're going to ask me to sing for you. A hymn. For GOD. That guy who's not even real and if he were, he SUCKS because he's killing you with this disease that can't even remember my name.

I'll agree to sing the hymn for you and for GOD and I'll lie and pick my own.

One that actually means something.

One that assigns humanity and mortality to humans and shit happens.
They'll be mad, my family, as they usually are.

They'll be disappointed and quiet and seeeeeeething. So angry.

But I'm not going to care because you're my family too and you would love it, the song I'm going to sing for you and for US.

And my family only show anger behind closed doors, never to faces, so I'll be sure to avoid being on the same side of the door as they are when it's closed.

I'm only going to miss you forever, you know. Not that long at all. It's only for always.

I'm quitting

After receiving an e-mail from a beloved family member requesting an apology for something I didn't do, I decided that I need to minimize people's exposure to me lest I be completely misinterpreted again.

I'm ditching my facebook and have resolved to avoid everyone for as long as I possibly can. I'm interested to see how many people will be able to get a hold of me without it, and how many will want to.

So far the year has done absolutely nothing but screw me around and I'm tired of it. I don't have anyone I can talk to about it, I don't have any way of fixing it, and I always seem to come out looking like the loser I've always believed myself to be.

This isn't a suicide note, just resignation.

Alone is better.

Alone is safe.

I don't need anyone.

I need me.

I have me.

I'll be fine.

Funeral

I can't look back at that today
One more reminder of where I wish that I could
Leave
More than I bargained for
Few surprises but less to
Receive

Close the door
I need it
Hold me out
For something
Let me fall
No stopping
Walk away
And grieve me

Just strike a match and watch it burn
Cold never felt so good as this moment in this
Place
Shake every offered hand
All expectations on the floor in
Disgrace

Close the door
I need it
Hold me out
For something
Let me fall
No stopping
Walk away
And grieve me

Shame rolling down the hill to rest
Torn from the bodies of those unwilling to change and
Learn
Tears that are dry before they fall
So many promises to break, wait your
Turn

Close the door
I need it
Hold me out
For something
Let me fall
No stopping
Walk away
And grieve me