Introspection

in·tro·spec·tion
–noun
1. observation or examination of one's own mental and emotional state, mental processes, etc.; the act of looking within oneself.

Too bad I can't do it more often with better results.

I bounce around from thought to thought, punishing myself for perceived flaws, completely unwilling/unable to see anything positive.

I really hope there comes a time where I can stop hating myself.

patience is a virtue

So I sit here too drunk to move and all I can focus on is your lack of response.

"some nights are better and some nights are worse.
sometimes I lie about all of this hurt."

He says I'm right and that I've nothing to apologise for.

"I'll be fine."

I never thought I'd think about you like this; I'm broken and waiting for something. I can't just sit here and hold out for more. I need you to say something, anything to tell me that you weren't waiting for something better to come along and take you home from the bar. You mean too much to me to have it, everything, end like this...I've no choice but to sit here, still drunk, waiting for you to make up your mind and forgive me or let me go.

Family: Part 3

My sister
- can be selfish and cruel
- is prettier than I am
- used to be one of my best friends
- rarely lets people make or see her cry
- is well-liked by almost everyone
- has always been successful and popular
- will always have more stamps in her passport
- can afford to do whatever she wants
- is frivolous and financially responsible at once
- can't say "massage" or "sausage" properly
- was awkward but grew out of it too quickly for it to count
- is illogical and irrational
- strives for housewife-hood
- will marry her current boyfriend; I will not be invited
- has been resented since birth
- skipped the last family reunion my grandmother was alive to attend
- will never be as smart as I am
- will breed WASPy children who only care about appearances
- is missed by me, but only sometimes

Family: Part 2

My mother
- is better at guilt than anyone I've met, including the Catholics
- takes everything onto herself
- considers every overachievement a failure
- has spurts of incredible self-confidence followed by devastating self-deprecation
- has more faith in me than I do
- brags about her daughters when they're not around
- is off the wagon
- is breathtakingly beautiful
- sometimes shows her youth in her eyes before it disappears in her skin
- glows in old pictures
- had bigger dreams than she lived
- taught me not to trust anyone, but only by accident
- unknowingly showed me how to never be satisfied with anything until it's perfect, including my body
- doesn't know where or when I became so honest and doesn't know what to do with it
- is on a journey of self-improvement, starting with Feng Shui
- becomes irrationally angry when her love is questioned
- loves my father more than he loves her
- wants to give me the world on a string
- is perpetually stuck in her shell, venturing further out everytime but never far enough that anyone but me will notice when she retreats

Family: Part 1

My father
- doesn't know how to, but cares anyway
- has only hit me when I really, REALLY had it coming
- is stubborn to the point of foolishness, a trait which I appear to have inherited
- has a smell that is a curious combination of tobacco and hard work
- loves me more than my mother does
- likes me less than he likes my sister
- is patient and wise but only when it's really necessary
- disagrees with me on a fundamental level about everything
- wishes I were more like him
- has given me the gift of independence and the ability to use power tools more efficiently than most of my male friends
- will protect me and I know it
- just wants to have a good time
- is proud of me in public but deprecating to me when at home with friends
- is a commanding presence
- is a stickler for perfection in projects
- makes my mother cry too often
- will be contrary and irritatingly practical just to (successfully) get a rise out of me
- doesn't understand my mother at all
- understands me more than I give him credit for

"Singles-Awareness Day"

God, I hate Valentine's Day.

The Argument

How do you disrupt me so?
With what words you use that injure me
And every cranny criticized
I’m stuck here and I’m compromised
And angry.

I can’t belong to these anymore
And I must leave in my own way
Finding somewhere that knows less
About me
And who I am.

Though
Because I need to
I want not to
And can’t make me say
Goodbye to what you
Bring out of me.

You are, I think, my best
Of all
But not end
Of all
And there will be more
Out there for me someday
Than you’ve been
Able to offer.

Waiting here
With doors slipped shut
And windows locked
Unknowingly
Has prevented more
I think
Than we thought;
For me at least;

And you still get yours.

Sing Me Into Bravery

I am, admittedly, terrified of doing well. Also, conversely, afraid of failure. So I what? Strive for mediocrity?

Last night I jammed with the boys and found myself incapable of letting go and showing them what I can do; as though they don't already know.

I know I am talented
I know I will be supported
I know I will not be judged harshly

And yet,

I so want to impress them. All of them.

I CANNOT be mediocre; it's unacceptable.

I made a promise to a dying woman that I would do my best and I'm fearful of breaking that promise.

Why can't I just give my words to you and have you make me believe they're beautiful?

I need to escape, very badly.