Unfriended.

After a month of this, I think it’s time to draw a line. I was disappointed that you wouldn’t make it to my early birthday dinner last night, but it was pretty much the best thing you could have done. It showed me that you don’t value our friendship enough to bother fighting for it.

It hurts me that you can only manage an “IF you missed it, THEN I’m sorry” apology after passive-aggressively attacking me at 5:00 in the morning for something I didn’t do and refusing to discuss it further because “it’s water under the bridge at this point”. Especially since what you were angry about is my non-response to a text message you sent apologizing for blowing me off. Again. Considering the number of texts I’ve sent you that have gone unanswered, your hypocrisy is overwhelming. The lack of respect you must have for me to treat me like this is incredible, but fine. I can’t make you care about me and I don’t want to. I did nothing wrong, and I don’t deserve to be treated so poorly and with such disdain just because you’re taking something personally. I do deserve an apology though. An honest-to-goodness “I’m sorry I was mean to you, it was completely uncalled for” apology.

My only regret is wasting my energy being upset about this for so long. I never should have told you I loved you. It was a mistake and I take it back. Someone who would so callously and easily quit doesn’t deserve it.

I feel like I closed a lot of doors over the last few years because I so consistently felt guilty for hurting you; this is a lesson for me, not blame for you. I am sorry, however, that I was a better friend to you than you were to me, and I take comfort in the dissolution of our friendship because I deserve better. I feel like you took advantage of my presence by taking emotional comfort in me without having to reciprocate.

I want to be very clear: I’m less upset about what was said than *how easy it was for you to say it*. You showed me exactly what you think of me in that moment and that was a stinging, painful clarity.

I hope you find what you’re looking for and wish you nothing but the best.

Although my staked claim is implied...

I wish I'd never brought it up

That I'd never felt the need

If everything were the same as it was before the end of that night

Then maybe I wouldn't hate it here so much

And maybe I'd have it in me to say "yes" to someone

But as it stands, all I know is "no"

And all I can do is laugh at any offers

Because, seriously, what's the point?

When all I think of is you

And all I want in my head is you

Even though my head knows it's not good or okay

The part of me that applies pressure on your behalf is choking me into

Deadness

And awkwardness

And ambivalence.

So how many genies will it take to make it all go backward?

Or to stop my heart from growing around you over and over again?

Or to make you less appealing than I find you?

I don't want you, but maybe that's the logic talking and I've tripped up again, letting myself stay in the same room as you for longer than a greeting and a farewell take.

It's like I overstayed my welcome in this room

With you here and all of your secrets.

I know them, by the way.

I hear about your things.

The things you don't tell me to spare my feelings.

But it may make it worse;

I'm not sure yet.