Lockdown

So there once was this time when I fell completely in love with my best friend and stayed that way for 3 years. Then I told him and everything fell very quickly (6 months) and painfully apart. And it hurt and I cried and it added to the pile of reasons I have limitless barriers between everyone I know and the actual me.

I never provide anyone with anything with which they may hurt me, including my heart.

I am, in short, terrified of intimacy. The thought of having sex terrifies me. I haven't done it in so long (7 years) that I'm afraid/pretty sure I'm going to be bad at it. Add to that the whole, "I hate my fat and embarrassing body" thing and I'm completely crippled.

When a guy asks me out (occasionally) and I agree (rarely) and things go well (if at all; I get blown off a LOT), the only thing I can think of is: Oh my god, he's going to want to have sex with me, how do I tell him I don't have sex? EVER?

I say semi-truthfully that I don't want to have casual sex, that I want there to be some emotion behind the act, but if no one is ever allowed to get close enough to me in order to experience any emotion then I'm only holding myself back.

How the hell am I supposed to know whether I actually feel any emotion for someone when I the only "love" I thought I was experiencing was quasi-toxic and ultimately unrequited? Was I really in love with him?

WHAT THE FUCK DO I KNOW ABOUT LOVE?

I worry so much about this that I think I give off a "RUN" vibe and am thus spared the necessity of talking about it to anyone.

The very few people in whom I have confided have only heard half of my story so as not to spread myself too embarrassingly thin, but then there's never a whole answer either and I'm just as bad or worse off than before.

What the fuck am I going to do?