so my phone rings

and it's him.

THE him.

And I'm half-hoping it's a fucked-up pocket call.

And I let it go to voicemail, because, well, obviously.

He left me a message. An actual message.

Nearly a YEAR to the fucking DAY I told him I never wanted to talk to him again.

He's asking me if I want to go for coffee because he's "looking to leave Calgary this summer."

I can't feel my skin, my heart is in my ears.

I can't reach anyone who might care to get any advice on how to respond, so it sits for 4 hours. The elephant in the phone booth.

My sister says, "Text him." The "conversation" is as follows:

R...: Um, hi. Your call caught me off guard; I didn't expect to hear from you ever again. What do you need to talk to me about?

M: Not much, just saying hi! I'm moving to TO soon so I wanted to make some peace, whatever that means.

R...: It's going to be a tricky conversation; if we're going to talk, I feel like we need to talk about everything. Are you sure you're up for it?

M: Uh...maybe not. I'm in a good space right now, so not up for confrontation. Either way, hope you're well. Take care.

R...: I don't want a confrontation either, but it's going to be difficult to talk after a year of absolute silence. I'm not trying to make things harder for you, M. But they're not easy for me either.

R...: Walking away from our friendship took a lot out of me and I'm *still* trying to figure it out. I'm not sure what you expect from me. If you can't respond to this, then I'm sorry you tried in the first place. Have a wonderful life.

M: Let the past go. It helps with everything. I've had to learn this the hard way. Sorry you aren't over things but someday you will be.

M: I'm tying loose ends, and you were a good friend while I was here. Ignoring that is wrong on my part.

M: Sincerely, I wish you well.

R...: I got absolutely no closure from the whole situation apart from what *I* was able to say. I got nothing from you other than basically, "Get over it, drama queen." You meant a whole lot to me, and I still mourn you, but I'm happy you were able to get over everything really quickly. It's a pity that you weren't able to call me a year ago to wish me well; maybe this whole thing could have worked out. I wish I were more than just a loose end to you.

M: I get that. But I didn't choose to stop hanging out with you. You made the call. Phones work two ways, by the way. Regardless, your friendship was and is valued.

R...: Do you even *understand* why I couldn't be around you anymore or are you thinking this is still about the catalyst last March? Do you stand by the things you wrote a year ago? Before I can leave it all behind, I need to know you get my point.

*30 minutes later...*

R...: You can't even give me that. You're a coward. Go fuck yourself.



So the pot is stirred and I'm again reminded why I'll never trust anyone with my heart ever again. It's safely back in the lock box behind the fence encased in concrete and lined with lye. Never again will I let this happen to me. Never again will I go through this. I will not allow it.

My head hurts and my heart is broken again.

Thanks so much for that, M. Apparently things aren't hard enough right now, I needed that in forefront.