patterns

I have a habit of pushing people away just to see if I can.

I will justify and make excuses for my behaviour and wait to see who sticks around to call me on it and who shrugs and walks away.

I've always had this talent of alienation.

And I give up on people so quickly and easily.

I keep thinking, "Whatever, I made you leave because then I'm in control. It's not like you were going to stay anyway."

So far this year, I've gotten rid of: 2 family members; both of my parents; 2 friends; a third friend is on the way. We have a lunch on Wednesday and that will be the middle of the beginning of the end.

If someone were to call me on it, what would I do?

Probably lash out and push harder, actually.

Any kind of vulnerability is unacceptable.

Never tell anyone anything.

Never confess to anything.

Never say anything to anyone that cannot be said to everyone.

Embarassed? Run away.

Angry? Say it out loud.

Hurt? Say it out loud and run away.

People get one shot with me. ONE.

If someone breaks my trust, it's never ever coming back.

I forgive, but I never forget. Honestly, I'm not sure what I do is forgiveness.

It's probably more beneficence, which ultimately keeps me in control.

I gift them with my forgiveness, but it's conditional. I don't think that's the way it's supposed to be.

I am a giver of gifts of strings.

After years of trusting people who let me down over and over and over again, I stopped trusting anyone.

I created a facade of independence, of righteousness, of strength.

But I'm in a forced solitude, I'm a hypocrite, I'm weak.

I believe no one will ever find me worthy of anything so I act like no one's worthy of me.

Still, I strive for my own version of perfection.

I eat less.

I eat less and less and less and hide it behind a "diet" that actually seems to be working.

I'm falling back into the pattern of only being able to control myself, so I do it to an extreme.

It's like returning to a house you moved out of 14 years ago, when you said you'd never set foot in there again. And then you're reminded of the comfort and the smells and then the memories overwhelm you and you're back in that spot of 15 years ago when everything was fine but not really.

Before you left it.

Before you changed.

And now I'm the same again.

And I was nothing then.

I was wasted on this. I was a waste.